it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
