I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
