Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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