I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
