Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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