Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
