I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
