I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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