I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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