Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
