were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
