I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
