So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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