i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
