i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
3 2 1 whiskey
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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