Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
