remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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