i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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