I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
