Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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