i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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