Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Randomize
