Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
from now on my penis is your penis
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
