Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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