i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I want to be your penis for a week.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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