It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
