when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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