I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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