dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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