You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
