Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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