why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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