After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
