Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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