I'm pants shitting drunk right now
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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