So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
