You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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