You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
