I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
