I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
