wrigley field is MILF paradise
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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