I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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