You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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