I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
