my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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