Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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