Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
