When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
