Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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