I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
