I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
