I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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