What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My feet surprised me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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